What’s your attachment style?

Attachment Styles are like emotional templates formed in childhood, largely based on how we were cared for as children, and ultimately influencing how we bond as parents. While not immutable, these styles often stem from our early interactions with caregivers and act as blueprints for our future relationships - perhaps nowhere more profoundly than in our parenting. Decades of research in Attachment Science has shown that children with secure attachment to their caregivers have greater emotional resilience and regulation, greater cognitive and academic advantages, and improved mental health outcomes (and countless other developmental benefits).

According to Attachment Theory there are four main styles:

1. Secure Attachment: The Ideal Balance. Parents with a secure style are responsive, empathetic, and balanced. They offer comfort when needed, encourage independence without anxiety, and foster a stable bond. Research, indicates that approximately 50-60% of adults exhibit secure attachment, correlating with children who grow into confident, emotionally resilient individuals.
   

2. Anxious Attachment: The Vigilant Caregiver. These parents are deeply affectionate but may hover excessively, driven by fears of rejection or abandonment. They might over-monitor their child's activities or struggle to set boundaries, reflecting their own need for reassurance. Ainsworth's "Strange Situation" studies link this style to inconsistent caregiving in childhood, resulting in heightened emotional sensitivity.
   

3. Avoidant Attachment: The Reserved Guardian. Avoidant parents prioritise independence, often minimising emotional expression. They may encourage a child to "tough it out" rather than offer comfort, reflecting their own discomfort with vulnerability. This style is often traced to emotionally distant caregivers.
   

4. Disorganised Attachment: The Unpredictable Responder. This style is marked by erratic and sometimes extreme behaviours, such as intense emotional outbursts, withdrawal, or even aggressive reactions in moments of stress. Parents may oscillate between over-involvement and detachment, creating confusion for their child. Disorganised attachment, affecting roughly 15% of the population, is often linked to traumatic or frightening childhood experiences, such as abuse or neglect. In parenting, this can manifest as volatile responses—occasionally including verbal or physical aggression—most often stemming from unresolved trauma. It’s complex, but understanding it is a powerful first step.

These styles are not fixed; conscious effort can shift them toward greater security. However, we have to first be aware of what our default style is. When we’re stressed (which is very often) our brain will short-circuit to whatever it knows best in order to conserve energy and solve problems quickly. This is a brilliant unconscious mechanism of our brain— but also one of the reasons we find ourselves reacting in ways which run counter to our more conscious goals as parents. We’ve all experienced moments where our immediate response to our child was not what we would have liked - whether yelling, disengaging, or being volatile - and had us deeply questioning ourselves as parents.
In the moments of reflection afterwards, we may feel that we failed and that the answer is simply learning to have more patience. We may not realise that these knee-jerk reactions are not our fault and not a failure of our willpower. They are embedded within us based on our own early experiences, and our brain has been rehearsing them ever since, primed to make sure they come out right on cue. However, with practice, we can change the story!

Do you know your default style? Let’s look at some basic scenarios to get a rough idea of where you might lean in times of parenting stress. Obviously, this is not a clinical tool but draws on Attachment Science to highlight tendencies.

1. Your toddler falls during a playground game, scraping their knee and crying.
   A) You kneel down, offer a comforting hug, validate their feelings, and encourage them to return to play when ready.
   B) You quickly scoop them up, hold them tightly, and check on them repeatedly over the next half hour to ensure they’re okay.
   C) You say, “You’re okay, just a little scrape,” and urge them to get back to playing on their own.
   D) You feel a surge of alarm and might raise your voice in concern, then step back, unsure whether to comfort them or let them handle it, leaving your response inconsistent.
   

2. Your teenager shares that they’re upset about a falling-out with a close friend.
   A) You listen carefully, ask if they want advice, and reassure them you’re there for support.
   B) You feel instant concern, asking lots of questions and sharing your own experiences to help them feel connected and try to “fix” the situation.
   C) You offer a quick suggestion like “Give it time” and move on, keeping the conversation brief.
   D) You might get overly invested one moment, asking intense questions, then pull back or react with irritation if the conversation feels heavy.

3. Your child refuses to follow the bedtime routine, testing your patience.
   A) You stay calm, use gentle redirection, and stick to a consistent bedtime structure.
   B) You negotiate or plead, concerned that enforcing rules too strictly might make them feel unloved.
   C) You firmly state it’s time for bed and walk away, expecting them to comply without further discussion.
   D) You might start with a strict tone, then soften or lose patience, perhaps raising your voice before feeling guilty and pulling back.
   

4. Your child comes home excited about earning a high grade or winning a game.
   A) You share their excitement, praising their effort and celebrating together in a balanced way.
   B) You shower them with praise, emphasising how their success reflects your close bond.
   C) You give a quick nod of approval and encourage them to keep succeeding on their own.
   D) Your response varies—maybe you’re overly enthusiastic at first but later seem distant or question their achievement’s importance.
   

5. After dropping your child off at school, they cling to you, expressing sadness about the separation.
   A) You acknowledge their feelings, give a reassuring hug, and confidently explain you’ll see them soon.
   B) You linger, offering extra hugs and words of comfort, feeling anxious about leaving them upset.
   C) You keep the goodbye short, believing it’s best for them to adapt to independence quickly.
   D) You might comfort them warmly one moment but then feel overwhelmed, perhaps speaking tersely or rushing away when it goes on for longer than you think it should.

Mostly A’s: Secure Attachment. This is the optimal style - and while no one can succeed at it 100% of the time, it means you create a nurturing, balanced environment.

Mostly B’s: Anxious Attachment. Your care is heartfelt, but consistent boundaries may bring more ease and lessen uncertainty.

Mostly C’s: Avoidant Attachment. Your focus on independence is strong, but adding warmth can deepen your bond.

Mostly D’s: Disorganised Attachment. Your responses can feel inconsistent or intense, but recognising this opens the door to growth.

A mix of answers is normal, reflecting the complexity of parenting and the varied nature of our early childhood experiences and formative relationships.

The Good News

Understanding your attachment style is a powerful step toward enriching your relationship with your child and yourself. The encouraging truth is that no one is locked into their style. Whether you notice anxious over-involvement, avoidant distance, or disorganised inconsistency— with the right tools, you can choose to respond more securely.